Things that Vex Keith Dunn… Heroes

Published: 20th January 2003

---

Please bear with me, I'm not as used to doing this type of thing as my erstwhile colleages. Ranting doesn't come easily to me. If I don't like some thing, I swallow my anger, push it right down and will ether die of stomach cancer in ten years time or go postal at work.

But an event in the week before Christmas has forced me to put pen to paper (or more readily finger to keypad).

You see I have my heroes, a whole plethora of characters, I haven't tried to model my life on them because that would just be plain sad, but I look at them and say 'yes you are the dude'.

There are a small collection of what could be called real heroes (its only small because life doesn't allow people to be a hero all the time) Churchill, Sparticus and Guggenheim.

A larger collection of fictional heroes such as Death, Rincewind, Druss, Sam Vimes, The little Raven, The Librarian, The Heralds of Vladimir and Need.

Then comes the fictional heroes of T.V. and film, this is where my troubles start. At the top we have the Doctor (wonderful chap, all of him), Vila, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Silver, Picard, Sisko, John Sheridan, Rupert Giles, Londo and, finally, Captain James T Kirk.

Now we are at the nub of the problem - T.V. and film heroes have an alter-ego, the actor that plays them. Most actors and actresses lead very quiet and reclusive lives away from the camera, except for the Shatner. The man is a raving egotist, there is no end of the thing that that man will not attempt to shoehorn himself in to.

Now we come to the last Saturday before Christmas. We, the Staggering Stories team are doing our standard Saturday night kick around of ideas and, as it is the last Saturday before Chrimbo, we swap presents for friends and family and open some there (aww doesn't the image fill your heart with joy). But low, what is this, that BASTARD PURCELL has given Mr. Simpkins? 'Spaced out' a cd of the songs of Mr. Nimoy and Shatner, and who was it that suggested we played said cd THAT FRENCH GIT!(YES YOU HEARD ME FRENCH, NOT JERSEY BUT FRENCH! ! ! ) Who will now no longer be named.

Now at least Mr. Nimoy could sing. Don't get me wrong he choose some real stinkers to sing (like the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins) but he could sing.

We are there nattering away with Mr. Nimoy warbling away in the background. Then Shatner started and conversation stops. It grabs your attention the same way the iceberg grabbed the Titanic.

There should be laws against it, what was the man doing! ! What was he thinking of (Well I know what he was thinking of - he was trying to revive a dead career that's what!) Why didn't someone in the recording studio just shoot him when he opened his mouth!

It contravenes every rule in the Geneva Convention and civil human rights.

This is not Captain Kirk, this is the evil twin from the mirror universe, I'm far too young to suffer these indignities (if I live to be 1003 I would still be too young).

God help me I've heard Shatner sing and lived to tell the tell. Pity me !!!

THE HORROR THE HORROR
Mr. Tambourine mmmaaaannnn!!!!!
Mr. Dunn now resides in the bide we rest home for the sanity impeded
Mr Simpkins is in regular therapy and is steadily getting better
Mr Purcell is converting 'Spaced out' in to an auditory torcher program
Mr Gallition is from Jersey and they don't want him back!