The Search for Mr. Dalek
by Benjamin F. Elliott
Mr. Dalek - The Missing Adventures
stories too broad and deep for the small screen, but fitting in with the classic ones
This story takes place before Mr. Dalek And The Amiable Assassin, and before the launch of The Flashing Blade Podcast. However, it occurs after Staggering Stories 52, which was weeks after The Flashing Blade began. Dalek continuity is a real pain in the neck sometimes...
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[Previously, On Mr. Dalek]
Adam: 'I must go to Egypt. A vital object I need for World Domination is there.'
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[Adam's Bedroom]
Scooby Doo: 'Roo ran't ro to Regypt, Mr. Rawrek. Roo raw roo rall. Ru'll re rost rin ra rand.'
Mr. Dalek: 'Perhaps you are right. I will break the news to Adam gently.' (slams Scooby into the wall with his plunger, then moves over to whisper) 'Sorry Mr. Doo, but I must undertake this mission to help conquer all creation. (pause) REMEMBER.'
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[Egyptian Desert]
Adam: 'Hang on, Mr. Dalek! I'll save you!' (hold on to Mr. Dalek's extermination arm, the only thing he can grip)
Mr. Dalek: 'If I am gone, world conquest is up to you. I have trained you well.' (uncouples the extermination arm, falls through the quicksand)
Adam, falling on his rump with Mr. Dalek's extermination arm in his hand: 'NOOOOOOO!!!!!!'
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[Mr. Dalek Memorial Service, Egypt]
Adam: 'Of all the toys and fiends I have know, Mr. Dalek was the most ... EVIL!' (sheds a tear)
Karen: '21 Extermination Bolt Salute!'
Keith fires Mr. Dalek's extermination arm into the air 21 times. Everybody slowly walks away, unaware of the flaming wreckage of a plane that is crashing into King Tut's Pyramid. And three other burning planes heading for Egyptian landmarks. And a new pockmark on the Moon.
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(Mr. Dalek Voiceover as his theme tune starts) 'Evil, the ultimate power rush. Conquest of the universe is essential. This is the mission of all Daleks, and any agents that Daleks may employ. To seek out new life and snuff it out. To irrationally exterminate what no Daleks have exterminated before.'
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- by Benjamin F. Elliott
A ghostly apparition enters Adam's bedroom. The figure hangs off the ground, all in white, with red pulsating eyes. It stops, looks both ways, and turns left. Right in front of it are Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, Buffy, Dawn, D'Argo, Rygel, and Aeryn Sun. The apparition boggles its eyes for a moment, then begins to let out a ghastly wail.
'AAAHHHHHH!' scream the gang, who started to run, and turned another corner.
The apparition continues to wail and turns the corner itself, only to find everybody looking at it with a smug sense of satisfaction. Only at that moment does the apparition look down to see the net with strings beneath him.
'Pull!' yelled Fred. Buffy, Dawn, D'Argo, and Aeryn pull strategically placed cords, and the net comes up, trapping the apparition tightly in quality weaving.
'I've never heard of a ghost that could be trapped in a web,' offers Dawn.
'You were created from wholecloth and missed 15 years of childhood. There are many things you don't know about,' Buffy replies, a bit more harshly than she intends. The recent toy audit has resulted in the UK Toy Government garnishing wages to repay taxes for gifts of 'stakes' that turned out to be 'steaks'.
Velma, ever practical, takes control of the speech-making. 'The trick is that we are not dealing with an apparition at all. No ghost. No alien. Not even reverse gravity. Our person is just wearing reflective paper on the lower part of the body to give you the illusion you can see through the legs. Pay close attention and you can spot some creases near the floor now where the paper has warped and frayed.'
The apparition groans a sigh of disappointment.
Velma: 'Anyway, I am sure we all want to know who has been trying to scare us and steal the bedroom's pillows. Shaggy - remove the white sheet!'
Shaggy removes the sheet to reveal - Pinky and The Brain!
Fred: 'Clearly Brain had a plan to use our pillowcases to make yet another death ray. The dust mites in the pillows could eat through almost anything. With that he could have blackmailed the governments of the World.'
Brain: 'And I would have gotten away with it, too ...'
Pinky: '... if it hadn't been for you meddling Kids!'
Brain: 'Don't interrupt me. I was going to say 'if not for my unreliable assistant'. You're the one who made all the creases and told three stewardesses about our plan last night.'
Our band of interpid toys pull on their ropes some more, hoisting the package of Pinky and the Brain up to the bedroom rafters, to think about things for a while until a sentence can be decided upon.
Buffy: 'Well, that was fun. I wonder what adventure awaits us next.'
Fred, getting on one knee: 'Well, actually, my dear Buffy. I've had something to tell you for a wh ...'
Buffy: 'Hold that thought, Fred. What's up with your friend Scooby?'
Scooby: 'Reek. Rokate. Resroy. Rareks conrewr rand resroy. Rareks conrewr and eat ruby racks. Oh ro! Ruby racks. Ruby racks!' Scooby tries to delicately reshape his right arm paw, but it will not go in the shape he was thinking of.
Shaggy: 'Don't worry, buddy. I have some Scobby Snacks right here.'
Scooby groans. Nobody understands his problems, not even him. Shaggy feeds Scooby some snacks, which Scooby eats unemotionally. Shaggy and the others wander off. Scooby comes to the edge of the bed, where the charred head of the toy of John Crichton can still be seen. Scooby frantically shoves the toy completely beneath the bed. What has he done? How has he done this? How long till he would feel the urge to do it again? Actually, he was feeling the urge right at that moment, and he sets off in search of an unpopular toy who will not be noticed for a while.
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Downstairs, Adam slowly examines the Cairan Egg, an artifact designed to give its owner mental powers capable of influencing the world. Friends, enemies, governments. All should fall under the power of Adam's mind once he figures out how to use the Egg.
Adam tracked the egg for months. He faked a family vacation to go there and collect the egg. And he paid a terrible price - the loss of Mr. Dalek, sucked into the sands. Two months later, and he has not found the energy to begin researching how to use the egg. Adam can barely look at it. Adam does not look at himself - no shaving, just a growing wolfy beard. There may be a time when Adam can use the Egg, but it is not now. Adam returns it to the Closet Of Evil, where it shares space with other priceless and rare artefacts designed to conquer the Earth. The pickle of Pelligrigino. The real Atomic Bomb from the Enola Gay in 1945 (the two bombs used that August were at half-power because they'd had to take the materials from one and spread it out). The formulas for New Coke and Crystal Coke. Fingerprint and DNA splicer that could make you impersonate whoever you wish. A 4 stringed Yo-Yo. Adam closes the closet door and leaves his garage laboratory.
(music plays to the lyrics)
'I want to be evil, but I haven't the nerve.
The price I have paid, it has cost me the verve.
No energy left. No strength in my sinew.
My strength was not in me. My strength was in you.
I need to move on, but my desire is gone.
To conquer the Earth, twas my plan all along.
Find inspiration. Total subjugation.
Mister Dalek taught me - Defeat the nation.'
(music ends)
Adam: 'And now I can't even get into tune for a random act of music.' Skulks off, with Andy walking beside him trying to cheer him up.
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[The next day, Keith and Karen's back yard]
Karen: 'This topsoil is terrible. Nothing we want to grow ever grows. Weeds. Crabgrass. Thistles. That's it. It is just painful to deal with.'
(sings)
'This has got to be the worst soil - in Craw-ley.
It's dry and - it's creaky.
I feed it and feed it.
It comes over - weedy.
This must simply be the worst soil - in Crawwww-ley.'
Man, with Gold-painted Gun: 'Are you Karen Dunn? Wife of Keith?'
Karen: 'Who wants to know?'
Man: 'We should talk.'
[And in the Front Garden]
Keith: 'Pruning the plants. Pruning the plants. Not doing anything but pruning the plants. This one looks like a G. This one like a U. Here's an I. There's an L. Got a T right here. And finally a Y shaped plant." (Pauses. Thinks for a moment.) 'Rooting out the plants. Rooting out the plants. Their time is done. They have been fun. But let's just get rid of these plants.' (all 6 plants destroyed)
A convertible pulls up. A tall man with a firm beard, a flannel shirt, and blue carpenter jeans gets out of the car. A shimmering gray striped cat named Wycliff wanders over to Keith.
Man: 'Are you Keith?'
Keith: 'Who is asking?' (but he can tell - he sees Wycliff the cat)
Man: 'My name is Brawny. I'm a Bounty Hunter.'
Keith: (sniggers momentarily, then catches himself) 'Why would a Bounty Hunter want to come by here?'
Brawny: 'Oh, you know why. I am here for you.' (pauses) 'Why did you snigger?'
Keith: 'Oh, it's nothing important. Just - 'Brawny' is a 'Bounty' hunter. Sounds like one brand of paper towels trying to eliminate another brand of paper towels.'
Brawny: 'Admittedly, that is funny. Especially the way you tell it. But that doesn't matter. You owe my client something of great value to him. You knew that if you did not return his property he would send Bounty Hunters after you. I am glad I found you first, Keith.'
Keith: 'You are not the first. Wycliff the ghost cat wanders past whenever a Bounty Hunter is around. Wycliff has been busy lately.'
Brawny: 'Wycliff from The Infinity Doctors! I loved him. He should have been in more books.'
Keith: 'Well, and now Wycliff's ghost is looking out for me. Beware his claws.'
Brawny: 'Look. You have failed to repay my client.'
Keith: 'Your client is hypersensitive. I told him it would take a while to repay. I broke it down for him with lots of diagrams. And now he's sending Bounty Hunters? Surely it is more expensive to send you guys than to give me some time.'
Brawny: 'It is more important to my client to make an example of you than to get restitution. My client is rather upset with you and takes your actions very personally.'
Keith: 'So what does he want you to get, exactly?'
Brawny: 'Either the return, unharmed in any way, or what he gave you, or I hand you to him - Alive or Dead - to face his revenge in person.' (Keith gulps.) 'Personally I'd rather hand you over dead. I hate people who don't pay their debts. So, do you have what my client wants, or will I have a good day?' (Brawny makes no movement.)
Keith: 'Well, actually ...' (shoots Brawny dead with the concealed weapon in his belt buckle) '... I think I am the quicker picker-upper.'
Karen, inside the house, blood-covered hands: 'What is that noise, Keith?'
Keith: 'Nothing, dear. Another odd person left their car running next to our house again.'
Karen: 'Ok.'
Keith brings Brawny over to the garden shed. Inside, he opens a secret passage. In the section of the passage marked 'Bounty Hunters', Keith adds Brawny to the other five. Karen cannot hear Keith as she is hauling a large object down into the basement, an object which drops a Gold-painted gun.
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[Adam's room]
Shaggy: 'Hey, Scoob. You're about to have your 40th Birthday. What do you want on the cake?'
Scooby: (Silence)
Shaggy: 'You haven't been very playful lately.'
Scooby: 'The intricacies of the universe are too unfathomable for anyone to imagine. But imagine we must, or our minds turn to jello. We're falling through space, you and I. Destined to conquer planets and eat fish. Why would I think about fish?'
Shaggy: 'Scooby! You're speaking in easy to understand English!'
Scooby: 'Er, Roh Righm Rot.' (Places his front right paw in position facing Shaggy)
Shaggy: 'Ah. Must have imagined it. What can I say? I'm just so glad that class one 'Scooby Snacks' have been decriminalized. Party on, dude.' (Wanders off)
Scooby lowers the paw. Shaggy will not have to die just this second.
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[Inside the house of Keith and Karen]
Karen: 'I wish you could trust me, Keith. I need to know if something is going on.'
Keith: 'Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about.'
Karen: 'Well, you're the guy who's sweating like he just pulled a body somewhere. Adam called. The Evil League is meeting tonight. We're to arrive at 7PM. I'm making a battle plan to conquer Ireland and a nice Apple Pie. You should prepare something too.'
Keith: 'I wish we were still called the Wicked World Enslavers. WWE looked so good on our team jackets.'
Karen: 'World Wrestling Entertainment had better lawyers. What can I say?'
Keith walks over to the pantry to find something to make for the meeting, while imagining how to bankrupt India with an evil Soft Drink.
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[Adam's bedroom, Late afternoon]
Aeryn Sun: 'Has anybody seen John Crichton lately? I know he can be dense, but nobody can take this long finding their way across the room.'
Velma: 'I last saw him just before we set the trap that caught Pinky and the Brain. He was wandering off with Scooby to look at something.'
Brain: 'We're still up here in the rafters, by the way. In case anybody was considering - perhaps - letting us down?'
Aeryn: 'We have bigger matters to deal with, Brain. My John is missing.'
Shaggy: 'The Creeper is missing too. He hasn't scared anybody all day.'
Dawn: 'No sign of Xander, either.'
Daphne: 'I can't find the Mystery Machine.'
Buffy: 'We need to start a search for our room-mates.'
Fred, on one knee: 'Rats. Well, once this is done, we need to have a chat, Buffy. I keep getting interrupted. Scooby, come with me on the search.'
Scooby: 'Rar roo rure roo rant we ror ris?'
Fred: 'Absolutely. What could happen?'
Scooby: 'You could die. Horribly.'
Fred: 'Scooby - what's with the easy to understand dialogue?'
Scooby (right arm turns into extermination stalk): 'Roo rill rie - ran rhen reraps rome Ruby Racks?'
(Everybody panics for a moment, pulling back)
Shaggy: 'Scooby Doo, What Are You?'
Scooby: 'I am Mr. Dalek - Ro, Ri ram Rooby. Conquer. Destroy. Rooby Racks. Romedy.' (Scooby's head spins a bit)
Dawn, looking under the bed: 'I found our friends. He - exterminated them. And unlike Mr. Dalek's efforts - they're not coming back.' (throws up long and violently)
[Simultaneous to this scene, outside the house, a van arrives, driving onto the long and making very deep ruts. A D-List Celebrity named DOG, his disreptuable posse, and his cameraman exit. Wycliff the ghost cat walks across the shot.]
DOG: 'I am Dog the Bounty Hunter. I know from advanced knowledge that Keith, tonight's rogue, has a habit of arriving at this man's house for dinner and party games. We will apprehend Keith here before he can enter the house, and the buzz from this takedown will send my ratings up. Then I will hand Keith over to the client anyway and let Keith experience a fate worse than death. Oh drat, I shouldn't be saying this on camera.'
Cameraman: 'Relax. We'll edit it down to the stuff that makes you look nice.'
DOG: 'Excellent. Cause I am DOG - The Bounty Hunter. Now, we better move the van, as it might look a tad obvious.'
[Adam's Bedroom at the same moment]
Fred: 'Get Scooby!'
Scooby: 'I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do that, Fred.' (fires extermination blast as a teary eyed Shaggy tackles him - the blast being off target and leaving Fred with a very bloody but non-lethal flesh wound)
[And Outside, a pair of sunglasses on Dog's head have their middle section vaporized, with a pockmark appearing on Dog's temple]
DOG: (GULP) 'Well, dear viewer, it turns out that the type of bounty that Keith is wanted on is an official matter regarding UK politics. We do not have the right to interfere. Now that we know this, we will respectfully withdraw and let the British bounty hunters do what they do best. Next time - I go after a gang of 5 Killer Nuns who can do a mean Charleston on the dance floor while eating brains. I am DOG! Cut the camera please. Let's get out of here. And I'll need new trousers.'
Wycliff smirks as only a cat can.
[Back in the Bedroom]
Buffy: 'FRED!!!!' (checks Fred's pulse, then jumps Scooby, and starts to pummel him) 'Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog!'
Scooby: 'Wrat rappened? Rouch!' (feeling the blows from Buffy and the icy steel grip of Shaggy, both in tears. Shaggy's tears make Scooby feel just a tad - trippy.)
Velma: 'We can restrain Scooby with this Scotch tape on Adam's desk. Then we have to decide what to do with him.'
(Two minutes later, with Scooby completely incapacitated)
Daphne: 'Scooby claimed to be Mr. Dalek and imitated his speech patterns. He managed to turn that paw into an extermination - oh, it's turned back into a paw again. Clearly he is obsessed with that decased sociopath. Mr. Dalek has used one of our own to terrorize us from beyond the grave.'
Willow: 'Well, I could use some of my special abilities to deal with Mr. Dalek.'
Buffy: 'NO more magic!'
Willow: 'I was going to call the Toy Rehabilitation Operations Laboratory and have them give Scooby a psychological evaluation for us.'
Velma: 'T.R.O.Y. Shouldn't Adam be the one to call T.R.O.Y. Scooby is his toy.'
Willow: 'Adam tolerated Mr. Dalek for many years. He'd tolerate psycho Scooby Doo, too. Me must over-ride his authority and do the Doo ourselves.' (Dials the phone) 'Hello, T.R.O.Y. We have the ultimate case for you.'
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[Downstairs, Adam's house, 7:45PM]
Jean: 'Dinner was delicious. And I love the new evil plans.'
Keith: 'Such a shame that none of these plans are practical. Our Dalek weapon is no more, and none of us have the political power to substitute for his death ray.'
Karen: 'You're a pessimist. Evil for the sake of evil is what we do. It is why we are evil. Now, who wants some of Keith's Angel Food Cake with antioxidents?'
(Everybody starts to raise their hands for cake, when there are 4 Knocks at the door.)
Adam: 'Just a minute, everybody. This is why I installed a doorbell.' (Opens door) 'It's Raymond Cusick! Hey, I haven't seen you in many years.'
Keith: 'Designer of the Daleks?'
Andy: 'Hero to the world?'
Jean: 'And still a good looker. It's an honour.'
Karen: 'Everybody loves Raymond.'
Raymond: 'Adam, I need to speak to you alone regarding You Know What from You Know When.'
Adam: 'Of course, Raymond. We can speak in my study. Andy, play some of your autographed William Shatner CDs to keep everybody amused.' (Adam and Raymond enter the study)
Everybody looks around, confused.
Andy: 'This is bad. Adam hates William Shatner music.'
[In the study]
Raymond: 'I got your note about Mr. Dalek. I did not understand it. Why have you not revived him yet?'
Adam: 'You must have been confused. Mr. Dalek DIED. He was sucked into the quicksand and destroyed.'
Raymond: 'I must tune my mind with yours for a minute. It is painless. It doesn't even require physical contact. Sarek was an amateur.'
(Raymond and Adam's minds merge, creating a collage of images and sounds. It ends in Egypt.)
Raymond: 'Oh. So Mr. Dalek failed to insert a copy of his mind inside you as a safety so you could bring him back in another body? Oh hamburgers.'
Adam: 'Mr. Dalek could do that?'
Raymond: 'It was part of his secret programming. The stuff Mr. Dalek does not even, DID not even, know he had. His mind reads the timelines and predicts his imminent death. Instinct takes over and inserts a copy of his mind into the nearest suitable host. Someone with either the brain power to handle two minds or the room in the brain to handle Mr. Dalek without over-taxing himself.'
Adam: 'This has to do with Mr. Dalek's destiny?'
Raymond: 'Correct. The dark secret that you have held with me since Mr. Dalek was brought to Earth and inserted into a toy shell. The secret we must tell no one till the plan comes to fruition in 2012. Mr. Dalek's destiny.'
Adam: 'If it was so important, surely Mr. Dalek would have done it before going to Egypt. He'd have put his mind in somebody who stayed ... here. Like the toys in my room that Mr. Dalek most of his time with!!!!' (runs out of the room)
Raymond: 'Mr. Dalek is one of the most powerful superbeings of all time, and you had him hanging out with children's toys?'
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[Adam's room]
Adam: 'Ok, everybody! Room meeting. Now.' (the toys gather, looking rather somber)
Buffy: 'Is this going to take long? We're on shifts helping Fred recover.'
Adam: 'It should be quick. Mr. Dalek may have put his mind in one of you. I need to find the one with Mr. Dalek's mind to pull it out and keep that one from going insane. Has anybody felt a bit, um, Dalek-y?'
(Everybody looks around)
Adam: 'Wait a minute. Who hurt Fred?'
Shaggy: 'It's so sad, man. Scooby went insane. He killed several of us and injured Fred. We had to send him away.'
Adam: 'Went insane? Did he mention Mr. Dalek?'
Shaggy: 'He thought he was Mr. Dalek. Even managed to make one of his paws go Dalek. Scooby's with the gang at T.R.O.Y. now.'
Adam: 'How could you do that? I need to get him back!' (runs out of the room)
Buffy: 'We were right. Adam cares more for that Psycho Killer than the rest of us. He'd bring Mr. Dalek back to life if he could.'
Dawn: 'I'm going to short-sheet his bed. Feel free to join in.' (Virtually all the toys go to work ensuring that Adam will have a miserable night's sleep)
Brain: 'We're still up in the rafters. Any plan to let us down soon?'
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[Downstairs - the gang and Raymond in a meeting]
Jean: 'So, the whole backstory we know about you and Mr. Dalek is a lie. Mr. Dalek is somehow at least partially alien AND still alive. Your Scooby toy is infected with his mind and has been abducted by a secret society of toy psychiatrists that we have never heard of. But most shocking of all - we are supposed to believe that your delicious pecan pie has less than 200 calories per serving?
Adam: 'Maybe 210 calories, tops. I shall introduce the recipe to the populace and make Pecan Pies as popular here as in the Colonies. Only this version won't make you fat. And remember that you eat the slice without whipped cream.'
Raymond: 'All we have to do is pick up your Scooby from T.R.O.Y., talk to Mr. Dalek in there, and have Mr. Dalek give us the instructions to extract him. Oh, and we need a new Dalek casing to put his mind in. One slight issue - Mr. Dalek has clearly been a bit scrambled, or he would have communicated with you more clearly by now. He might get reset when put into a new body, unleashing information he is not supposed to know until 2012.'
Adam: 'I'll use this model. It is (insert color here), (insert height here), and was made by (insert company here). Hopefully sturdy enough to cope with any extra 'abilities' if Mr. Dalek learns his destiny too soon.'
Raymond: 'At least it isn't a sparkly green Dapol one from the year 2000. They were hideous.'
Karen: 'But what do we do if they do not release Scooby. He is supposedly insane. Plus the fact that T.R.O.Y. is trying to keep their identity secret from humans.'
Keith: 'We infiltrate the place and recover Scooby by force, of course.' (knife blade emerges from jacket lining - Keith quickly shoves it back inside)
Adam: 'I've got some costumes ready in case we need to infiltrate. Jean, here's a Pirate Wench costume to get you into any computer departments. Like all pirate, you have a knife, whip, and other weapons if needed. Keith - got a Han Solo one for hiding weapons. Karen - a Princess Leia circa Empire Strikes Back - same principle. Raymond - an Obi-Wan Kenobi cloak. Andy - here's a 4th Doctor outfit circa Series 18. I'll go as the Roger Delgado era Master.'
Keith: 'Andy?'
Karen: 'Shh.'
Raymond: 'I object. Obi-Wan got killed!'
Adam: 'Unfortunately the only other outfit in your size is a Classic Trek Red Shirt outfit made for a former member of ours - initials T.G.'
Raymond: 'On second thoughts, Obi-Way at least lived longer than the Red Shirts.'
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[T.R.O.Y. Secret Headquarters - Central London]
Adam: 'Look, I know you like to have appointments. But I tried to call ahead and nobody in your office would make an appointment.'
Yogi Bear: 'What can I say, my good man? If they will not give you an appointment, they must not want you to visit. And if they do not want you to visit, I do not want you to visit.'
Adam: 'But the Scooby in question is my property. I even have the receipt.'
Yogi: 'Toy law trumps Human law. And from what I understand, there is no way that monster will be allowed to wander free again. Scooby will be destroyed tomorrow morning, and that will be an end to Mr. Dalek. Escort him out, Boo Boo.'
Boo Boo: 'You heard my supervisor. Leave now or I will be forced to use force. And I'm rather mean. Don't try to outwit us to enter, either. Our hallways are patrolled by 5000 of the most vicious toys ever. Nobody ever bought this action figure. All of them, unsold, unloved - working in the shadows in this creepy place. Some say they've gone mad.'
Adam: 'I think you will pay attention to me - now.' (pulls out the Cairan Egg)
Yogi: 'Cairan Egg? Boo Boo, how long did we spend making that model last year?'
Boo Boo: '2 weeks, Yogi. One of the best fakes in our bunch.'
Yogi: 'Almost as good as that fake Atomic Bomb and the silly story about how they covered up its absence.'
Boo Boo: 'I have a personal fondness for the 4 stringed Yo-Yo.'
Adam: 'What are you saying?'
Yogi: 'We have known about your crazy desire to conquer the world for years, Mr. Purcell. But you're human. Not even a secret identity.* When we realized you had a toy as dangerous as Mr. Dalek on your hands, we set a series of traps. Each item was harder to find. Each time Mr. Dalek would come with you on the mission. Eventually he'd be destroyed. Or, as it turns out, hide in another body where he could be captured. The last two years of your life have been a manipulation by the forces of Good to defeat the forces of Evil. You're on Evil's side, in case it needs clarification.'
Adam: 'You toys did all this by yourself?'
Yogi: 'Well, we were helped by the police, UNIT, Torchwood, Ian Chesterson and the Master in a rare team-up, the Americans and the French in an even rarer team-up, the Iranians and the Israelis (I love arranging odd pairings), and Gordon Ramsay.'
Adam: 'You didn't include the Masons?'
Boo Boo: 'The Masons are great at throwing parties, wearing showy jewelry, and making nice buildings. But they can't keep a secret to save their lives. They are useless at organizing. Why anyone thinks that a Mason in recent memory could carry out a sneaky plot is beyond me.'
Adam: 'You're just saying that because the writer of this story is a Mason, aren't you?'
Yogi: 'The writer may be a Mason, but that doesn't make the statement untrue. Now, we have been more than reasonable with you. Get out.'
Adam: 'I'm going. But this isn't over.' (leaves, tossing the Cairan Egg, which breaks an expensive window)
Yogi: 'They will be back, Boo Boo. We will use plan 32-Quattro. Alert the security forces and our human agent.'
(*Adam would obtain the secret identity El Presidente in Mr. Dalek And The Amiable Assassin)
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[5 minutes later - a forest clearing across the street from this Central London headquarters - now in their costumes]
Jean: 'Now, the outer guards are bears. Not just bears, but Yogi and Boo Boo. Boo Boo doesn't follow orders well, and Yogi has an ultimate weakness - Picnic Baskets.
Keith: 'So if we make a very large wooden picnic basket and put it outside for Yogi to find ...'
Jean: '... Yogi will steal the wooden basket and bring it inside T.R.O.Y., allowing us to stream out of it.'
Karen: 'It will need to support 1200 pounds weight (in case anyone has been lying about dieting - speak now), have secret trap doors, the lot.'
Adam: 'That's difficult. It will take up to 10 minutes to make.'
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[12 minutes later, outside of T.R.O.Y.]
Yogi: 'Hey Boo Boo. Is that a very large pic-a-nic basket I see before me?'
Boo Boo: 'Now Yogi. The Ranger told you not to take any more baskets. It's stealing, and they can give you a 100 pound on the spot fine for stealing in this country.'
Yogi: 'Actually, I've meant to tell you about this for a while now. The Ranger's dead.'
Boo Boo (teary eyed): 'The Ranger's dead?'
Yogi: 'Pollen allergy. He rescued a squirrel who was lost in a field of fragrant flowers, but at the cost of his own life.'
Boo Boo: 'What a sad but beautiful story of heroism. We should eat to his memory.'
Yogi: 'Lucky thing we have a pic-a-nic basket right here, isn't it?'
Boo Boo: 'I suppose so.' (stage wink)
Yogi: 'Well, help me get it inside. This thing is rather heavy.' (stage wink)
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[Inside T.R.O.Y., beside a large picnic basket]
Adam: 'Jean, you're the computer whiz. Disable as much of the security as you can and try to make it so they will have a hard time chasing us. Keith and Karen - you make a sneak attack on the rear of their forces based on information from Jean. While the guards are distracted, Andy and I attack from the front and rescue Scooby.'
Keith: 'Andy?'
Karen: 'Shh. Let him finish.'
Raymond: 'And what do I do?'
Adam: 'Ah yes, Raymond. You can guard the picnic basket.'
Raymond: 'But we aren't leaving via the picnic basket, are we?'
Adam: 'Just take out anyone who finds the basket so they can't report us. We'll sort out transportation.'
Raymond: 'Okay.' (under breath) 'They clearly forgot to give me a plotline here.'
------------------------------------------------------
Jean sneaks into the central security hub. One man is on duty. As she picks up a vase to smash on his head, the man turns around.
Jean: 'Wyn?'
Wyn: 'Yes, Jean. You look - ravishing. Whoa! Er, anyway, this is the new security job I've been telling you about in my letters. Care for a drink?'
Jean: 'Don't mind if I do.' (takes a drink, shaky camera effect right here) 'Hang on, you're speaking with a Home Counties accent!'
Wyn: 'I thought it would help me fit in better here.'
Jean: 'You work for a gang of toys?'
Wyn: 'It's a living. Now, Jean, much as this is coming close - oh so close - to fulfilling a major fantasy, why did you sneak into my office?'
Jean: 'Work related matter.'
Wyn: 'You're trying to break out the Scooby who's infected with the personality of Mr. Dalek, one of the most evil beings of the past, present, and future?'
Jean: 'That sounds a bit harsh, and putting it that way might not portray my visit in the positive light that I hoped for.'
Wyn: 'I can recreate this office at home and you can break in there when I'm off work. Wear the same outfit if you like. I'd enjoy that greatly. Or I could break into your place again - I mean, for the first time. But you must not make any attempt to rescue that Scooby and unleash Mr. Dalek on the world. I would have to stop you. And I never want to stop you from doing anything.'
Jean: 'Look, time is short. You have to trust me. I need you to believe me.' (ferocious passionate kiss) 'Do you believe me now?'
Wyn: 'I'd believe anything you said right now.' (kisses back in kind)
Jean: 'Then believe me when I said - I knew I would need to paralyse someone for an hour or so with this psychotropic lipstick, but I did not expect it to be you.'
Wyn: 'Psycho-whosits?' (collapses)
Jean: 'Oh Wyn. This may be the third job you lose from our having to break in and cause a mess.' (Starts work playing with the security settings)
---------------------------------------------------------
[In some corridor in the back end of the compound]
Keith: 'We just got the signal from Jean. Security cameras are down. We can make the rear attack and draw out the forces.'
Karen: 'Excellent. Now we just need to find ... what the ---- is that?'
Keith: 'Boo Boo did say that it was a toy line that never sold a toy. What did you think it would be - Don't Touch Me Or I'll Call A Lawyer Elmo?'
Wycliff the Ghost Cat wanders past.
Karen: 'But just look at who the toy is based on?'
Keith: 'Whoa.' (hit on head by a shovel) 'Ow.' (collapses)
Karen: 'Oh Keith, my darling, are you ...' (hit on head by the same shovel)
(Keith and Karen are dragged out of the scene. Another figure walks into shot.)
Mystery man: 'Erik The Bounty Hunter is having a very good day. Yes I am.'
---------------------------------------------------------
[In some corridor in the front end of the compound]
Adam: 'Keith and Karen should be keeping the guards busy by now. Let's get this rescue started.'
Andy: 'Adam, take a look at the guards over there.'
Adam: 'It's an army of Prime Minister Gordon Brown.'
Gordon Browns, in unison: 'It is vital not to have an election at this time. We do not want the public to make the terrible mistake of putting the Tories in charge of this country. I mean - they don't agree with my policies.'
Andy: 'That f---er must die!'
Adam: 'Calm down! Now we'll have to bleep or dub over that line. Look, since these Gordons aren't following our friends, we just unleash our backup weapon.'
Andy: 'Nicholas Briggs?'
Adam: 'Quite right. Use #567 for a Nick Briggs - distraction during a prison break. Are you ready, Nick?' (pulls out a toy Nicholas Briggs)
Nick: 'Up to 5000 Prime Ministers? This will be my greatest performance. And I ROCKED in that recent Torchwood.' (Runs into sight of the Gordons)
Gordon Browns: 'What are you doing here?'
Nick: 'Oh, I'm a fan. I had a question about fiscal policy.'
Gordon Browns: 'We love fiscal policy, but nobody ever talks about it with us.'
Nick: 'Well, I have a theory that a fiscal mistake made by the Tories in 1797 is responsible for the world financial chaos today.'
Gordon Browns: 'That would mean that it wasn't my party's fault. We'd win in a landslide. Go ahead, man! Start your theory.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Communal Cell Area]
Keith and Karen awake, trapped in an an escape proof cell. They can see various toy prisoners.
Cell 1 - Speedy Gonzales: 'I don't belong here, man. I'm just here because my stereotyped persona has fallen out of political favor. I think.'
Cell 2 - Captain Scarlet: 'I've been alive for so long and can't die. Why can't I die? Why am I stuck like this? Everybody I know is long gone. Infinity is so painful!'
Cell 3 - My Little Pony 'Rainbow Dash', singing:
'All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang
as I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love and Joy.
All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang
as I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love and Joy.
And now I'm gonna do some free verse.
It doesn't matter what the words are.
No one is going to understand it.
The singer will mumble the lines.
All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang as I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love And Joy ...'
The 4th cell has a sign: 'This space reserved for Space Goat.'
Erik: 'Sorry for the awkward accomodations. Since I caught you on this official facility instead of out in the open, I have to get all the paperwork filled out and follow lots more procedures. I'll have you out of this room soon. Frankly, that pony scares me too.' (leaves)
Wycliff the Ghost Cat hangs around our heroes.
Keith: 'I suppose it is time to come clean. I borrowed a book. An out of print book. And now it's been taken and I can't get the copy back to its owner. So he's sending Bounty Hunters after me.'
Karen: 'First, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME! Second, this person is coming after you over a book? Sounds rather over the top.'
Keith: 'The man is obsessed with keeping all his collections in the right order. Anyway, I was doing pretty well until Erik here. I took care of 6 Bounty Hunters.'
Karen: 'Took care of?'
Keith: 'Killed them and hid them where they could turn into compost. Maybe we can finally make the back of the house good for growing things.'
Karen: 'How sweet. Of course, I knew you were in trouble. I've had to kill 4 Bounty Hunters and put them in the basement.'
Keith: 'You killed 4 yourself? My gosh he is sending a lot of Hunters after me.'
Karen: '10 Bounty hunters ...' (back to singing) 'This could probably make the best soil - in Craw-ley! It's brown and - it's creamy. I fed it and now it Gives Carrots and Zucchini. This must simply be the best soil - in Crawwww-ley!' (music ends)
Erik, re-entering: 'Ah. Time for the fate worse than death.'
Keith: 'Thanks for spoiling the moment.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Execution Holding Cell]
(Scooby is tied in mid-air, spreadeagled, gagged, and mummified to keep from turning any appendages into weapons)
(Door explodes)
Andy: 'Nobody expects the Crawley Inquisition!'
Adam: 'Quick - Let's cut him down.'
Andy: 'Hang on - that was a great line. You're not even going to recognize it?'
Adam: 'Let's get out of here safely first.'
(music starts)
Andy: 'It's not easy ... being Andy.
Everybody thinks your life is fine ... and dandy.
But being a sidekick can be a burden
When you get the dull jobs and mediocre lines
And all that pertains with being the best friend.'
(music halts)
Adam: 'Everybody can hear these musical interludes. You'll bring the hordes on us.'
Andy: 'They're already here.' (points to hundreds of tiny Gordon Browns in front of them)
Adam: 'This whole thing is a miscarriage of justice. We are taking back my Scooby and going home.'
(All the Gordon Browns in the room pull out their Automatic Machine Guns)
Adam: 'Who would put a working machine gun into a toy?'
Andy: 'And how did these toys not sell like hotcakes when people found out they could fire live ammo?'
Gordon Brown in the front of the group: 'Put Scooby back in place. Tie up Adam Purcell to witness the final destruction of Mr. Dalek, and the salvation of the galaxy.'
Adam: 'What about Andy over there?'
Gordon: 'You're here alone.'
Adam: 'What? Andy?' (turns to realize that Andy is not there. Adam's been alone all the time. Adam is too shaken to resist capture.)
---------------------------------------
[One month earlier]
Andy: 'My fiance and I will be vacationing for 6 weeks. I've left my pets here to keep you company. Adam? Adam?' (leaves)
Adam: 'Oh hey, Andy. Glad you decided to stay for a while. You'll help keep me sane.'
[Present Day, Tied Up]
Adam: 'I've led us all to doom, haven't I?'
---------------------------------------
[At the Picnic Basket]
Jean: 'Raymond, have you heard anything from Keith, Karen, or Adam?'
Raymond: 'All radio silence.'
Jean: 'Then it is time for us to come to the rescue. These plans never work correctly.'
Raymond: 'We don't know which prison cell Mr. Dalek is in, let alone what will happen to the others if captured.'
Jean: 'Then we liberate everybody.' (grabs the codes to unlock all areas of the compound)
------------------------------------------
[Waste Department, Basement Level of T.R.O.Y.]
Keith (chained securely to a metal cage): 'Can't we come to some sort of arrangement?'
Erik: 'Well, Tony no longer wants the book, even if it is Target #154 - The Power Of The Daleks. He just wants you. In his power. Completely. Well, ok, he'd like the book back too.'
Karen (hands shackled to transport belt around waist): 'Oh, Keith. Tony the Gallichan? How could you?'
Keith: 'It's rather too complicated for this situation. Maybe when we can sit down and talk about this calmly.'
Erik: 'You will not be sitting down for a very long time. Tony wants you as his plaything. You will be frozen using this pink premium grade Owens Corning Carbon Fibreglass Insulation. It will suspend you between life and death till Tony decides what to do with you next. I will give him your wife Karen as a bonus, in case he actually still wants the book, or things you cannot provide.'
Karen: 'Seems a bit unfair. I never did anything to Tony.'
Erik: 'But when you think about it, the love interest can turn around and storm the castle for revenge later if left free to seethe over the situation. So best to just nab you now and save the bother later.'
Karen: 'I hate it when Bounty Hunters make good points.'
Erik: 'The solution will be ready to consume Keith in a few minutes. Now, I'm aware of the jailbreak going on right now, so the power running my equipment is on a different circuit to the power in the rest of T.R.O.Y. Even if they rescue Mr. Dalek, it will not free you two.'
Karen: 'Is there any chance I can convince you to rethink this. I can be very persuasive, you big handsome man.'
Keith: 'Oy!'
Erik: 'Suffice it to say that you would not be able to seduce me. But feel free to continue trying.'
Karen: 'Well now you've taken all the joy out of it.'
Wycliff gets very annoyed at the failure of Keith to outwith the Bounty Hunter and wanders off in a huff, not to return in this episode. He's found a patch of catnip to play in and go crazy.
------------------------------------------------------------
The representative for the society for relaxation in drama enjoyment wishes to remind everybody that this is a missing story. Virtually all of these characters appear in a story that happens later in the timeline. Therefore, they will all live, and you can relax.
------------------------------------------------------------
Jean and Raymond run through the corridors, flicking switches to open cells and scaring off various Gordon Browns with the machine guns of the first two Gordons they came across. Eventually they find the Execution Holding Cell. As they arrive, the switch is thrown to electrocute Scooby.
Scooby: 'Uhhhhhhhhhhhh!'
Adam struggles but is unable to get away from the wall. Jean jumps for the panel with the circuit breakers, cutting the power to everything under T.R.O.Y's control. Jean is mildly shocked.
Scooby: 'Ahhhhhhh!'
Jean: 'OUCH!'
Raymond rushes forward to release Scooby and Adam. Just then, Rainbow Dash the My Little Pony enters the room, holding a Machine Gun.
My Little Pony 'Rainbow Dash', singing:
'All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang,
As I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love and Joy.'
Adam: 'Calm down, there.'
Gordon #47: 'We can talk about this.'
Raymond: 'Put the gun down.'
Scooby/Mr. Dalek: 'Kill! Maim! Destroy! Conquer!'
Jean: 'Oh, thanks a lot! Very helpful.'
[Mass hail of bullets fills the room]
'Rainbow Dash': 'LOVE and JOYYYYYY! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!'
Jean: 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' (grabs the keys to release everything and pulls out her knife for rope cutting while continuing to scream - you're allowed to scream if you can be practical at the same time)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The representative for the society for relaxation in drama enjoyment is cowering under the table right now in shock, horror, and fear.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Meanwhile]
Erik: 'Lower Keith into the Owens Corning Carbon Fibreglass Insulation.' (whirring noise as the crate is lifted and starts to sink into the molten core of insulation)
Keith: 'I hate scenes that parody famous movies.'
Karen: 'I know.'
Keith sinks fully into the Owens Corning, and a large dry frozen rectangle containing his body ejects. Most of Keith's features can be recognized, though for some reason his face resembles a cartoon panther.
Karen: 'KEITH!!!!!!!!!!!' (echoes an uncomfortable number of seconds afterwards)
Erik: 'Don't worry, my dear. I'm sure Tony the G. will tire of keeping your husband in a block of insulation and pull him out to torture soon enough.'
-------------------------------------------------------
[Our stars run down the hallway. As the shot pans, we realize that only Adam (carrying Scooby) and Jean are running. Raymond is not with them. Raymond's theme plays mournfully in the background.]
Adam: 'So, we've heard nothing from Keith or Karen? We have one dead on this mission. I can't lose them too.'
Jean: 'They probably got captured. Our best hope to rescue them is to get Mr. Dalek restored in Dalek form where he can largely level this facility. They are doomed if we do not get away now. Good thing you put the escape in my hands.'
Nick Briggs joins them, out of breath: 'So many politicians. (gasp) So much ... tedium!'
A wall opens to reveal a supercharged V-10 mini-van that seats 7. More than enough for the folks who made it this far.
Adam: 'Jump in the van.'
The 2 friends, Nick, and Scooby get into the van and scoot away.
Nick Briggs: 'I see living Bureaucrats. All the Time. I need therapy.' (shakes uncontrollably)
The gang drives away at high speed.
Jean: 'Thank goodness Wyn did not suspect anything.'
Adam: 'Wyn? I got a letter from Wyn yesterday. He's been back in Wales for a month. His job will keep him away from here for at least another year.'
Jean: 'Then who did I kiss?'
------------------------------------------------------------
[Office of the main Gordon Brown toy]
Gordon: 'And you are sure that Jean did not suspect anything?'
Wyn rips off a face mask and voice changer to reveal Jo: 'I had Jean completely convinced. She believed I was Wyn.'
Gordon: 'Excellent. We will include something tasty with your gruel and water tonight.'
Jo: 'Are you evil for trying to stop them from recovering their Scooby?'
Gordon: 'Now stop right there. That brown puppy dog has the mind of the most evil, most powerful, most dangerous Dalek in all of history. You had the dreams too. You saw what Mr. Dalek will do to the Earth in the year 2012 if we do not destroy him soon. Those people may not realize the full extent of Mr. Dalek's plans, but they know he is a dangerous menace. They want to reconstitute Mr. Dalek anyway. It makes them no better than Professor Zaroff, Professor Stahlmann, my A-Level English Professor, and many other Megalomaniacs who have recklessly pursued paths that would destroy the Earth. Intentional or not, they are on the side of Evil. We are on the side of Good.'
Jo: 'You are consorting with Erik the Bounty Hunter.'
Gordon: 'Unfortunate, and above my paygrade. That stupid blunder does not negate the rightness of our cause, and the wrongness of the cause of the Evil League team.'
Jo: 'In that case, I better tell you. I planted a secret command in Jean. She will probably eliminate Mr. Dalek for you. At the least, the commotion will bring us right to Adam's secret lair.'
Gordon: 'Excellent. Back to your cage while I deal with this.'
Jo returns to the Human kennel at T.R.O.Y.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Silent Tableau]
Erik the Bounty Hunter leads the group, and starts the car. 2 hunters rope the Owens Corning Carbon Fibreglass Insulation package of Keith onto the roof. Karen, under guard and constricted as before, is shuffled to the car and guided inside. Everyone gets into the car and it sets off for the Coast.
Inside the car, Erik gloats: 'Tony purchased all of Jersey, kicked out everyone who did not work for him or serve him, and built a palace with actual air conditioning, heating, a Casino, and other creature comforts. He has the power to do whatever he wants. The Island of Tony will leave you begging for death. And death is very far away. With modern medicine you could have another 50 to 60 years. But I'm drifting ...'
Apart from being a helpless prisoner right next to your frozen husband facing a lifetime of servitude (if lucky) or torture (if unlucky), is there anything worse than having to listen to a talkative Bounty Hunter for a couple of hours? You know he's going to get into his family, his hopes and dreams, how he got into the Bounty Hunter business, the weeks of work to set up the trap to grab them. Karen is facing a long amount of tedium. But we have the luxury to jump away from this screen. The storyline of Keith, Karen, and Tony will continue in the next episode.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Adam's House, Garage]
Jean: 'So, where is your secret laboratory that you tell us all about?'
Adam: 'It is in this garage. Nobody looks for anything in the Garage.'
Jean: 'I've got your designated Mr. Dalek here, along with Scooby. What do we do?'
Adam: 'We ask Mr. Dalek, of course.' Looks at Scooby. 'Mr. Dalek, are you in there?'
Scooby/Dalek: 'Adam. Error skip zed-zed-two. Files unavailable. I cannot unlock all my mind. Scooby's brain is bigger than expected. Rooby racks. Rooby racks.'
Adam: 'I enhanced his mind as far as possible. I wanted the most intelligent Scooby Doo on Earth.'
Scooby/Dalek: 'I wish I had known that. There is not enough room for both minds. Rinds. Rwelp. Raggy! It results in two unstable, incomplete minds. Worse, I can't access the files you need for mind transfer.'
Adam: 'Thankfully I stole, er, BOUGHT a prop from The Muppet Movie set.' Yanks the tarp off the mind-transfer machine from The Muppet Movie - yes, that movie had such a machine, watch your DVD. 'Will this work to split you two back properly?'
Scooby/Dalek: 'Adam, you are an adequate human. It is the highest praise a Dalek can bestow.'
Adam and Jean turn on the machine. The Scooby figure is put into the send side of the machine, and the Mr. Dalek prop goes into the receive side. All that is needed is to flip the oversized Frankenstein style switch. But just after he flips it and the electricity starts to flow ...
Jean, slowly turning, singing: 'Space Goat. It's a goat in space.'
Adam: 'Oh Jean. Not you.'
Jean: 'Space Goat. It's a goat in space.'
Adam: 'Jean, you need to sit down.'
Jean: 'Space Goat. It's A GOOAAATTT In SPAAACCEEE!'
(whacks Adam on the head with a spanner - Adam collapses)
Jean: 'Space Goat.' Turns to machine and starts making adjustments using said spanner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[T.R.O.Y. - Gordon's Headquarters. Jo has been brought back]
Gordon: 'Jo, your information has proven correct. Jean has acted. The commotion revealed the secret location - Adam was doing everything out of his garage. I always look in garages. Anyway, you have proven your value to us. And that means a reward.'
Jo: 'I get to eat actual food each day?'
Gordon: 'We will see how that goes. But we're upgrading your job from office technician/scullery maid to undercover spy. Once Mr. Dalek has been eliminated, our toy empire will be able to take peaceful control of all of Humanity. We will rule and guide you all with a loving but stern fist. The governments of the Earth are in disrepute and will fall easily. The only person with the power to threaten our plans is Tony the Gallichan, ruler of Tony Island. We just don't know if Tony will have the wits to battle us before the conquest is complete. We need you inside his compound, sending us information.'
Jo: 'You'll have to adjust the subdermal implants you have in me so I don't explode if I leave your compound.'
Gordon: 'You will be briefed on how much liberty you will be allowed during the assignment. Don't worry - we want you to succeed, not explode. Boo Boo will take you to wardrobe and explain what you need to do in Tony's compound. For The Glory Of The Toy Empire, and For The Protection Of Mankind From Himself!'
Jo (under breath): 'Drama king. Wonder what this Tony person will be like.*'
*As we said in the opening, this story is set BEFORE the launch of the Flashing Blade Podcast.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Adam's Garage. Adam awakes to find Jean sponging his brow to clean off the blood.]
Jean: 'I'm so sorry, Adam. Some sort of trigger affected my mind.'
Adam: 'You sang Space Goat. Which super powerful mind control person that we know uses that song?'
Jean: 'I've never even heard of that song. Must be someone new, and a new tune.'
Adam: 'What's the damage around here?'
Jean: 'The machine is smashed to pieces, a piece of American movie history destroyed. The Dalek awoke with one mind - Scooby Doo's. Scooby got a bit scared and started firing the gun by accident. He fled the garage just before your emergency bunker doors sealed us off from the outside world. No idea how your toys are coping with him. No clue if Mr. Dalek survived - the Scooby has been inert. And we have guests outside.' (Jean paused out of breath, as if she'd had to ramble off several lines of exposition to cover up that time and budget ran short, forcing the production team to not film several important sequences.)
(Quietly audible from outside): 'La-la. La-la-la-la. LAA-la-la, la-la. La la. La-la-la-la. LAA-la-la, la-la. Take position with the mushroom canon.' (If our gang could see outside, they would see that the Smurfs had traded in their traditional white leggings for brown shorts. Smurfette had a brown skirt - this is a family horror-comedy story, and nudity, swearing, and extreme violence can't be shown without getting a ratings certificate we do not want.)
Adam: 'We're under attack from the Smurfs. And they have a ballistic weapon. Maybe we're doomed.'
A vaguely metallic/doggy voice: 'The situation is dire, but we are hardly doomed.'
The Scooby Doll was floating in air like a Dalek. He had even mentally turned the front right paw into an extermination stalk.
Adam: 'Mr. Dalek, is that you?'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'In spite of the interference from the toys - should I exterminate Jean for you, by the way? - we wound up with two complete minds in two complete bodies. The minds are just in the wrong bodies, but that can be fixed later.'
Adam: 'Don't exterminate Jean. However, we have an army of aggressive Smurfs outside that could do with some killing. And it would be nice to get out of this locked room.'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'Wait a minute. Additional data emerging. New knowledge. Your face. Roger's face. Something was supposed to happen to me in 2012. It is happening - early.'
Jean: 'This is no time for a midlife crisis!'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'No crisis. More - DESTINY!' (Scooby's eyes light up, sending a beam that pierces the door and can be seen across the whole neighborhood)
Adam: 'We need to survive the next few minutes before we can worry about a cryptic decades-old destiny message.'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'Would you and Jean like to get inside my new force field while we talk about this. Oh. What do you know? New unexpected ability, and it may save your lives.'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby is indeed visibly showing a bubble around himself. Adam and Jean decide not to argue and get inside the shield.
Papa Smurf (from outside, on a Bull Horn): 'If everyone inside surrenders now we will spare all but Mr. Dalek. You can all live in a comfortable facility where you do not threaten the world or yourselves. Otherwise, we will demolish this house, take you out one by one, and eliminate you all. Earth needs to be safe from the horrific evil in this house.'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby (imitating a Bull Horn): 'No.'
Papa Smurf: 'Explain.'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'I said No.'
Papa Smurf: 'Now listen here ...'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'It means No. Now, let me tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to rescue Adam, Jean, and the toys in this house from the hordes of your Smurf fleet. Then I'll eat some hamburgers - two months without food really drains you. Then I'm going to rescue Keith, Karen, and anyone else threatened by your mysterious cabal. And then, just to finish it off, I'm going to wipe each and every member of your conspiracy off of the Earth!'
Papa Smurf: 'But you have no logistics. No budget. No script.'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'And doesn't that scare you to death.'
Papa Smurf: 'Actually, it fills me with a lot of confidence. You are unprepared, and we are carrying out a plan after years of planning and rehearsals. Smurfs, prepare to open fire!'
Mr. Dalek/Scooby, talking to Adam and Jean again: 'Hold tight. This is going to get a bit messy.'
Papa Smurf: 'Ready! Aim!'
----------------------------------------------------
[Outside view of the house. We hear a voice from Adam's Bedroom]
Brain: 'We're still up here in the rafters.'
(BOOM)
Brain: 'Never mind.'
The End ... Of This Episode. Mr. Dalek will return, and will make it back into a Dalek body ... eventually.
------------------------------------------------------
A TWIDW Production for Staggering Stories. Written by Benjamin Elliott in 2009.
Doctor Who and just about all Doctor Who concepts except the Daleks belong to the BBC, who have hopefully figured out by this point that the story is written with love and not to make any profit.
The Daleks belong to the estate of Terry Nation.
All other fictional characters in this story belong to the companies or individuals that made them, and no infringement is intended.
All real characters in this story have been fictionalized, and this story is not intended to praise or criticize anyone. Well, ok, Wycliff was a terrific cat. This is a gentle comedy. No harm intended.