Star Trek: DS9 And The Terrifying Tale Of The Wormhole Worm

Written by Karen Dunn

There was a worm whose name was Bob

He had no family, had no job

Just hung around like worms will do

And watched the world go by.

The only difference was this worm

Had never been on terrafirm

But passed his days and nights up in

The wormhole in the sky.

He never harmed a soul did Bob

He wasn't like the other yobs

He never put on moody airs

He didn't feel he'd earned.

He had no time for talking deep

If people came he went to sleep

And sent the other worms away

Their invitations spurned.

Well one day Bob did up and stroll

He left the safety of the hole

He ventured out to take a look

At what there was outside.

And as the wormhole rolled and tumbled

Bob did find that he had stumbled

Out upon a station with

Some little folk inside.

Now, Bob he was a friendly soul

The nicest worm within the hole

And went on over to the craft

To say polite hellos.

And all at once the folk were yelling

Running round and round and telling

Bob to go away before

They phaser fried his nose.

Within the station all was panic

Humans - British and Hispanic -

Running round with Bajor's crowd

To try and find solutions.

And up in Ops our heroes battled

On the comm line Kai Winn prattled

Whining on and on about

This Prophet sent pollution.

Said Dax, "That worm will cause us trouble

We must scare it on the double.

Scare it with out mighty ship

And make it go away.

We have phasers, bright and pretty,

Wasting them would be a pity

Please ban that worm from lurking here

Before it spoils our day."

So Sisko took the ship, Defiant

And chased that worm

Though it was giant.

He chased that worm to Bajor

Then it chased him back again.

He shot at it with all his phasers

Bright and white

Like flying razors

Missed the worm completely

And hung his head in shame.

Said Kira, "You're no good at shooting

Let me stick Bajoran boot in.

Let me shoot that worm to bits

I promise not to boast."

And Dax, with freckles all a tingle

Said, "I think you'll find that thing'll

Dodge our phasers every time

Winding on its way sublime

I never really learned to rhyme

In this or any host."

And sure enough that worm evaded

Every single phaser traded

Winding on its lazy way

Towards the station then.

And Sisko on his mighty cruiser

Feeling like a last place loser

Turned and faced his enemy

And chased that worm again.

And though they laboured night and day

They could not chase that worm away.

It would not go

Refused to shift

And Sisko, looking rather miffed

Said, "Right, that's it, I've had enough

It's time we started getting tough.

We need some bigger phaser fire

Upon that worm to rain."

So once again aboard the station

Furrowed brow in concentration

Watched that worm upon the screen

And tried to judge its mood.

And when it turned and started winding

To the station

Creeping finding

Sisko in his wisdom said

"I don't think that looks good.

I hereby order every person

Before this situation worsens

Use every means you find at hand

To stop that worm from docking."

So one by one the crew did look

In every cranny, every nook

Illegal moves, threw out the book

(A move they found quite shocking.)

The winding worm then tried to dock

So Kira hit it with a sock.

She hit it with a yellow sock

All nice and clean and frilly.

Said Dax, "We need to do this right

Before that worm gives us a bite.

So put your sock upon your foot

And please stop being silly.

You really are not playing fair

When bringing out your underwear

That's really not the thing to do

Our efforts are refracted."

And Kira hung her head in shame

And promised not to err again

And failed once more to notice that

Poor Odo was distracted.

Said Dax, "The worm is going to bump us -

Either that, or try to hump us.

It must be blind

For we are round

Not long and thin and slimy

Quick, quick, please stop our shields from lagging

Before it gives out hull a shagging

We cleaned the windows just last week

And mustn't get them grimy.

Said Worf, "We could use our torpedoes…

Well known for dampening worm's libidos

Shoot them now

And soon that worm

Will no more want to chase us."

Said Kira, "That would do the trick

Just aim them at its far end, quick!"

And Worf did nod

Did grin and growl

Abandoning the phasers.

Said Worf, "Torpedoes are away!

They've hit the worm, hip hip hooray!"

And Dax did dance and wave her arms

And kiss him on the nose.

And bits of worm did fly akimbo

Tiny wiggly, all in limbo

Sisko frowned and wondered where

The bits they would dispose.

Then down to Quark's they all went running

Offering contracts

Waving money.

Begging down on bended knee

"Please take the bits away!"

And Quark did grin and say, "I'll do it!

Believe me, there is nothing to it.

I'll take those little bits of worm

As long as you all pay."

His business ventures did expand

His restaurant became quite grand

And Prophet Banished tube grubs

Was the dish he sold them all.

And people came from far and wide

In every ship that they could ride

To see the worm

To see it fried

And eat it from a bowl.

And as his spirit watched them eating

Mighty Bob did start a-bleating

Wishing time and time again

He'd never left his hole.

 

(Yeah, okay, so I was in an odd mood..!)