Doctor Who: The Night Before Pertwee

By Benjamin F Elliott (With Apologies and Thanks to the Original)

‘Twas The Night Before Pertwee
And All Through The Hamlet
Not A Creature Was Stirring
Not Even Mr. Dalek.

The Amy Pond dolls were hung
By the Chimney with care
In (insane) hopes that Grunhilda
Soon would be there.

The Staggerers were nestled
All snug in their beds
While visions of the Navy Lark
Danced in their heads.

Amy cardboard by the wall
And I in my cap
Had just settled down
For a long winter’s nap.

When out on the veranda
There arose such a racket
I sprang from my hiding place
With plans to thwack it.

Away to the window
I flew like Jack Harkness
Tore open the blinds
And out the window saw darkness.

The alarm on the back
Of the new-opened glass
Gave frustration of mid-day
Technology my (censored).

When, what to my wondering
Eyes should appear.
But a miniature roadster
And eight jobbing actors.

 

With a lively old driver,
So full of repartee
I knew it a moment
It must be Pertwee.

More slower than penguins
His actors they came
So he whistled, and cat-called,
And shamed them by name.

“Now Hartnell! Now Troughton!
Now Baker and Davey!
On McGann! On McCoy!
On Tennant and Smithy!

“To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
We’ve done this all night!
It should be easy – don’t fall!”

As dry leaves that
Before the wild hurricane fly,
When they met with an obstacle,
They started to cry:

“Show us some mercy,
Jobs are rare to find
Don’t be mad at us –
Stop whipping the behind!”

And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Lots of moaning and complaining
As pilots landed with a poof.

As I drew in my head,
And was turning around,
Down the chimney Pertwee’s head
Came with a bound.

He wasn’t wearing anything
From his hair to his neck
And since that was all of him
This rhyme went to heck.

 

A bundle of things
He had flung on his back.
And he looked like Worzel Gummidge
Just opening his pack.

His eyes – how they del-phonned!
His dimples how expressive!
His cheeks were like acting classes,
His nose like a decongestive!

His droll little mouth was
Drawn up like a bow.
And the strength of his chin
Was as firm as the snow.

A glass of wine
He held tight in his teeth
And the odor of the wine
Wafted round him like a wreath.

He had a broad face
With a little round dimple,
That shook, when he laughed
In quick movement, so simple.

He was svelte and thin,
A right handsome old elf,
And I wanted to ask fashion tips
In spite of myself.

A wink of his eye
And a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know
He was going to rob me dead!

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Cleaning out the fine china,
What a mean little jerk!

And laying his finger
Aside of his nose,
And giving a nod,
Up the chimney he rose.

 

He sprang to his sleigh,
And his team came alive,
And away they all flew
Before the fuzz could arrive.

But I heard him exclaim,
Ere he made his getaway,
“Venusian A-ki-do to all,
Learn some kar-a-te!”

(and under his breath)
“Next time find me a house with a decent wine cellar and some cheese – I need a break!”